All God’s Grace in One Sweet Little Face: Living After Loss
This year during the pandemic has brought a time of reflection for me, like DEEP reflection. Not just me, but we are all have had the time to think about our past, present, and futures much differently as of late. Some have the chance to still work from home, with states just opening up again; enables free time that we have not had the luxury to have previously.
One afternoon, I was feeling a little restless and sat in the quiet to gain some peace when all of the sudden I was flooded by memories that had unresolve. The loss of a child.
See, losing someone we love, when it comes; whether we are expecting it from illness or unexpected is NEVER easy or something we can prepare for. This type of pain is not something imagined, why would we do that to ourselves? So, when it does come, our hearts are not ready. Even if you know someone is terminal, our human instinct is to carry Hope and Resilience to the very end. God put this in our DNA, our faith rises up and we hold onto it with both hands.
The calendar turned to a specific day this month of June, that reminded me of the loss of not just one baby. Over my life, I had five miscarriages at different stages of pregnancy. I only got to actually hold one of those. I was unaware of a blood clotting disorder I have that causes such tragedy.
However, the month of June is significant. I lost three of those babies during the month of June (2001, 2014, 2015). It is time to share this part of my story. The loss of a child, brings such a deep heartache to parents, grandparents, siblings, and trickles down to friends and anyone that hears such news.
I remember thinking that I could not bear the news. It did not get easier after the first loss. I still cry whenever I read news of someone losing a child, that pain is all to tender and real all the days of my life. I know too much. If you have lost a child, you also know too much.
I had written a poem while in deep sorrow of losing Amaryah in June 2014. I do not remember much about that time in my life. Tragedy comes, we put it deep in a box until we are ready to deal with it. I had tucked this poem away and found it in a document on my computer, not shared with anyone. I had completely forgotten about it. It sparked a memory about searching for others that had known this pain to connect with and ask for a hand to pull me out of the pit I was in, I was grasping for anyone who would talk to me in my sorrow so I did not feel so alone. It was a sweet mom that inspired me to write it out. All I remember is her name was Mindy. I realized I could not do this alone. I mentioned this before that ‘we survive something today so that we can help someone tomorrow’ – well this is it. She helped me and I try to help others. This is what we do for and with one another. We share each other’s joys and pains. We need one another, it is not a place we travel well alone.
I was mourning these babies that were lost in more recent years, and I felt like God spoke to my heart and said, “Give the first two babies their names, so you can call to them when you reunite. They are waiting for their mother to give them a name.” I was numb with this revelation. I was so grief stricken and young, I did not even name them! I was 13, a baby myself when I lost the first one. I had not been a mother yet; I did not know I could even name them if they were not born alive. I did not understand how important this step is in mourning the loss of holding them, raising them, and watching them grow. No one told me these things.
I could see it so clearly now what happened. I had my twin boys and daughter in between losing the first two and the last three. So, when I lost the three later after already knowing what it was like to be a mom, I instinctively gave them names. God reminded me, they had a heartbeat, they were knit in my womb with purpose, they were alive no matter how early it was. They had 10 fingers and 10 toes. My heart sank and I called out their names, Jeffrey and Rebekah; and wept for them. Like ugly cried. I had never let my heart mourn the loss of these little ones before I knew what it was like to be a mother. It did something inside me that I did not expect and healed a wound that I did not even realize I still had. They became real to my heart. How could I have missed this?
No matter what dreams and hopes we have, when we lose them, it is so important to name them and allow a time to mourn that loss. Remember the day that dream was born. When I found out I was pregnant; joy, hope, and dreams were placed in my heart. I was preparing for the arrival that did not come as I planned. When our heart is in line for something that we plan a lifetime for, there is a necessary, intentional need to mourn that loss and give our hearts time to reconcile to move forward. It does not mean we forget, but with this type of loss, we know we are separated for a short time but will reunite in Heaven. This is important for all dreams and hopes for the future that we had set our heart on and lived “as if” is was for all time; marriages that ended, jobs that became careers, all things, especially children must give way to grief for a time. Our hearts are worth it, we are worth it to love ourselves back into health.
Take time out today to mourn the loss of all your dreams you had that were ended early. Those were real in your heart and you planned on a future including them. Call out the name and if you have not named them, do so and allow some time to mend your heart where it was broken. June is a time for reflection, mourning turned into passion, purpose, and remembrance. Brokenness turned into wholeness. A heart restored, so powerful to have the ability to encounter a person broken standing where you once did. Extend the hand to pull them out when they are stuck in grief and remind them the light does shine again.
Thank you, God, for this revelation and the love that passes knowledge. My hope is that your heart is a little lighter and your spirit more free.
Here is my poem……dedicated to:
Jeffrey “Divinely Peaceful” – 5/1988
Rebekah “Captivating” – 6/2001
Nya “Purpose of God” – 6/2014
Amaryah “Promise of God” – 11/2014
Samara “Protected by God” – 6/2015
An angel came down to visit
and looked inside my womb,
He grasped your tiny hand and said,
“I’m here to take you home.”
He whispered how much I loved you
and will miss you every day,
All the while this angel had known
On the Earth you would not stay.
There was purpose in your creation
Though mom won’t understand,
Until she sees you in Heaven
There you’ll wait with outstretched hands.
Through the gates in Heaven
How surprised you were to see,
For so many babies lived here
Alone you would not be.
Your brothers, sisters, cousins
All waiting just for you,
Embraced you with a hug
And grandpa Greg was there too.
The moment you saw Jesus
Full of light upon His throne,
A smile so full of grace
and spirit of love already known.
He took you in His arms
As if you were His own,
He said “You’re perfect how I made you.”
“My child, welcome home.”
I had a bracelet made as a Mothers Anklet. You can see them all by birthstones. 5 by the angel wings and my 3 with me today, Abby, Ethan, and Isaac. I am blessed to have 8 children and my heart is free to live.
